single

Perfecting the Art of Being single

Every time I log into the gram and see a pic sitch of a “happy couple” getting engaged various thoughts race through my mind. I feel resentful that another friend has beaten the dating system. Continue scrolling, and oh look another not teen mom.

Well my fellow singles, I have some good news for you: it’s our time to shine. Christmas, New Years, fucking valentines day they’ve all passed. What do we have to look forward to: April 20, figawi, 4th of July and much, more! We will have ample opportunity to flaunt our platies 6 packs and statement outfits. Time to get serious my fellow hunters, it is the time to perfect yourself for the bountiful opportunities that lay ahead. Go shopping, and work out extra hard. It’s not a bad idea to exchange one meal a day for ice (just kidding try a smoothie, I’m not encouraging anorexia). But remember, stay chill no need to post about your work outs on social media every day or flaunt photos of the single grain of brown rice you ate for dinner on the gram. Desperation is a bad color on everyone.

And as a final note to all of you “happily” engaged at 26… we know you cheated on your fianc√© the whole time we were abroad. To hold and to have. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Chapter One: Introduction to Husband Hunting

I guess start with some general background information…..¬†20something who is now closer to 30…

I have recently joined my single friend in what we like to refer to as “Husband Hunting”. Previously I was living in a one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. Then, for a few heavenly months, I was living in the same one bedroom apartment with my xboyfriend (That’s the same person for you fucking idiots that couldn’t figure it out). “Husband Hunting” if you will, is essentially delusional¬†dating, a way to make light of the fact that most of my efforts to flirt or engage with the opposite sex all end the same way… crash, burn, and cinder.

This reality struck me one Saturday afternoon at STATS, sorry I’m not sorry.

I am neutral to the idea of being single, but my friends don’t think it will last. Personally, I think it’s more likely that I just joined the single for life club. Only time will tell as I live the warped deranged life of a twenty something trying to date.

 

Disclaimer: I have no experience blogging, minimal experience dating, and like I mentioned it’s very likely I am so damaged that I am going to remain single for life.

Next subject. Sunday demons . What keeps us all awake on Sunday nights wondering if satan is going to remove our souls in our sleep because the bender we just went on and sins we committed make us not worthy enough to be a human on earth. That is where the puppy boyfriend comes in. Someone who can sleep next to you to keep the satanic clan from relinquishing your soul. The puppy boyfriend isn’t a potential husband, he’s a figuasie. A fake. A fraud.