Month: February 2014

The art of successful one night stand.

It happens. Breath. We’re alive and were on your team. So what happened last night?

Did you do it? Did the casual attraction you have been feeling finally emulate to the love you have dreamed of? It’s OK- because you probably looked hot as shit when he asked you to come back last night. No regrets you’re mascara and A game were on.

You’re worried you ruined a friendship. If you’re wondering so is he. I’m confirming for you, he wanted it. So be cool and shut the fuck up.

Next step is to play down the entire situation and get an alibi to cover your ass for your friends. “Last night was so fun I love when I stick to just beer because I remember the whole night” or even “OMG Tonyah was so wasted last night it was embarrassing.” This makes you look great and no one will suspect the poor life decision.

just remember deny, deny, deny at all costs.

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Burnt

Saturday afternoon, 4pm, STATS in Southie….

Ruby arrives, we have a few drinks, and decide it’s a good idea to talk to about 4 different groups of guys… none of them want anything to do with us. We smoke a cig along the side of the bar, so no one “sees us” smoking.  At this point a few hours have passed and I’m now drinking heavily…. I think a guy in a Star Wars t-shirt was hitting on us. The night was over at this point. I take a cab home, as I do not live in Southie, get dropped off a few blocks before my house since I was low on cash… I start smoking another cig and talk to a  homeless girl for a few minutes, I gave her a snack that I had in my purse from work on Friday and then walked the rest of the way home. This is a good opportunity to explore what went wrong this night….

I think I had pizza in the cab over to STATS and had been drinking chardonnay with friends that afternoon- this being said, my judgement was most likely “a little” impaired.

The conversations with “said hotties” were probably things only me and Ruby found funny at the time… aka high chance we were acting like drunk assholes.

I don’t want to be too harsh on myself and I do learn from my mistakes so I will stop at that. I’m open to any outside commentary, so please do share…

Chapter One: Introduction to Husband Hunting

I guess start with some general background information….. 20something who is now closer to 30…

I have recently joined my single friend in what we like to refer to as “Husband Hunting”. Previously I was living in a one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend. Then, for a few heavenly months, I was living in the same one bedroom apartment with my xboyfriend (That’s the same person for you fucking idiots that couldn’t figure it out). “Husband Hunting” if you will, is essentially delusional dating, a way to make light of the fact that most of my efforts to flirt or engage with the opposite sex all end the same way… crash, burn, and cinder.

This reality struck me one Saturday afternoon at STATS, sorry I’m not sorry.

I am neutral to the idea of being single, but my friends don’t think it will last. Personally, I think it’s more likely that I just joined the single for life club. Only time will tell as I live the warped deranged life of a twenty something trying to date.

 

Disclaimer: I have no experience blogging, minimal experience dating, and like I mentioned it’s very likely I am so damaged that I am going to remain single for life.

Next subject. Sunday demons . What keeps us all awake on Sunday nights wondering if satan is going to remove our souls in our sleep because the bender we just went on and sins we committed make us not worthy enough to be a human on earth. That is where the puppy boyfriend comes in. Someone who can sleep next to you to keep the satanic clan from relinquishing your soul. The puppy boyfriend isn’t a potential husband, he’s a figuasie. A fake. A fraud.